At a wedding reception I attended some years ago, the chairman of the occasion, in his advice to the couple, said, and I quote, “Love has done and completed its work in this relationship today in bringing the two of you together. What remains now is for tolerance, respect, trust, submission etc. to continue where love has ended.” He was simply saying that all love does in any marriage is to attract the two people involved together. After this, some other virtues must take over from love if the marriage must survive. Continue...
Though it’s been over 10 years since I heard that statement made, yet I’ve not been able to get it off my mind. Is that statement true? Is that all love is expected to do? Just bringing two people together and disappearing into thin air, leaving the couple to themselves to waggle their way through their entire married life? Truly, if that is all love is expected to do, then I can boldly say that love is a coward: igniting a fire it is not able to fuel; starting a work and escaping when the real work is about to begin. But thank God, love does not end on the wedding day. Love does more than just bringing two people together in holy matrimony. The two people in love must remain in love if their marriage is expected to be what marriage is designed to be.
The force of love attracts two people to one another. This force, to an extent, is something that is inevitable. You “fell” in love with the lady/man you are now married to, not because you chose to do so. It just happened. It was not something you had control over. But staying or remaining in love with your spouse is something that will happen because you want it to happen. That is to say, it will take a conscious effort. That you “fell” for him/her effortlessly does not suggest that you will remain loving him/her effortlessly. It will have to take conscious effort on your side. Husband and wife must consciously do things that will sustain their love for one another. Like you maintain your vehicle so that it will continually serve you the way you desire, your love for your spouse must be maintained. Lack of maintenance culture has ruined many marriages. The phrase “fall in love” is generally used to describe an (eventual) love that is strong, although not necessarily permanent. That is why every couple who intend to stay in love must make conscious efforts to stay in love. To stay in love, the following suggestions will be of tremendous help:
Don’t neglect your spouse. To neglect something is to fail to pay attention to that thing. And whatever we refuse to pay attention to, we lose. When a couple fails to pay attention to each other, with time they lose their feelings for one another. Attention is something everyone looks forward to from his/her spouse because it is one of the attributes of love. When you love a person, you give him/her your attention. When you love a thing, you cannot take your eyes off it. Even when you are not where it is, your mind can’t get away from it. Many men pay attention to their cars than their wives, and many women pay attention to their children than their husbands. When that is the case, you are simply revealing to your spouse that your car/children come before her/him in your order of priority. And many times, that is not what we are saying, we are only wrong in our order of priority.
Don’t take your spouse for granted. To take your spouse for granted is to be so used to him/her that you do not recognise his/her true value anymore and, as a result, do not show that you are grateful for him/her any longer. This is a sin many couples are guilty of and it is one thing that can kill our love for one another. You must learn to appreciate your spouse. Husband and wife must value one another. Whatever you will not do to her if she was not your wife, you should not do to her now that she’s your wife. That she agrees to marry you is not a crime she has committed against you to make you see and treat her now like nobody. And whatever you will not say to him if he was not your husband, you should not say to him because he is your husband. That he chose to spend his life with you rather than somebody else should not make him lose his respect before you. That he/she is your spouse should make him/her deserve an honour you should accord to no one else.
Cultivate friendship with your spouse. Love between a couple is promoted when they cultivate friendship with one another. Do things that friends do: Friends respect one another’s opinion; friends gist together; friends spend time with one another; friends laugh with one another, friends share things with one another, friends relax in one another’s presence, friends protect one another, friends feel safe with one another, friends are opened to one another etc. The moment a man and a woman are married, they should have no one else as their best friend other than their spouse.
Communicate with your spouse. Communication is one of the bedrocks of a good marriage. Communication promotes love. Every divorce in the law court begins with a breakdown in communication between the couple. Whatever is going on between a couple, as long as they can still sit down and talk it over, there will always be a way out of it. But the moment there is a breakdown in communication and it is not addressed on time, divorce or separation is inevitable. It is important husbands and wife allow for free communication in the marriage. As much as possible, there must be freedom of speech. The degree to which the parties involved are free to express their hurt, displeasure, feelings, opinions etc. is the degree to which their love for one another will grow. Spouses must cultivate a relationship in which there is nothing they will not be able to tell one another.
Leave no conflict unresolved. Conflict resolution between couples is one thing that cannot be overlooked. Couples that will stay in love must learn to resolve every conflict that arises in their home and resolve it the right way. Ignoring or overlooking conflicts, or leaving them to time to resolve is like sitting on a time bomb that is bound to explode with time. Unresolved conflicts will often result in marriage dissolution. In resolving conflicts, couples must avoid taking one another for granted. Each party must be seen as an entity and therefore, must be treated as one. No party must over ride the other and the interest of both must be protected.
Make lovemaking something you both look forward to.
Your sexual relationship with your spouse plays a very important role in your love life. Sex is God’s own gift to married couple for the consummation of their love for one another. A couple that will remain in love with one another after several years of being married must enjoy great sex. This is because sex serves as a lubricator. It helps to lubricate the marriage against friction. It helps to strengthen the bond between husband and wife. The absence of great sexual relationship between a couple can generate enough friction that can put them apart. That why it is important you do whatever it will take to make you and your spouse enjoy great sex at all times.
Love must be guarded jealously and consciously sustained if it will not be lost. Therefore, invest in things that will protect and promote your relationship with your spouse. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Keeping to the above will go a long way in ensuring that you enjoy your spouse.
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